on my knees

I woke up this morning to my alarm clock and sunshine streaming in through gaps in the curtains. And I thought to myself, I'm going to smile, today's going to be a wonderful day. I thought of all the things I need to do, in what order I'll do them, how I'll be extremely productive, how I shall not waste an irretrievable second etc...

So, after I brush my teeth (including two emerging wisdom teeth which hurt like crazy but only at certain crazy moments), wash my face and come back downstairs, I lift my laptop cover and open gmail. Suddenly, all that organisation and I'm-in-control and coolness promptly flies out the window and I'm reduced to a sobbing mess in my swirly chair for the next few minutes.

And why? Daddy just forwarded me an email from my cousin, to say that my 大姑 accepted Christ last night. 大姑, whom I've always loved for her goodness and kindness, admired so much for her strength and patience in face of illness, hardship and other things, who is still struggling valiantly against cancer.

It was at this line that I started crying uncontrollably: "She asks our Father to heal her completely so that she can go to church with me on Sunday." My tears are tears of such unspeakable joy, to know that someone I love, that my family loves, that God loves above all, has decided to accept His love.

They are tears of realisation that my world has once again shrunken back into that small walnut shell filled with me and little else. They are also of immense disappointment: realising that I did not believe firmly enough that it was possible for God to take away fear of my grandmother and whatever other fears and disbelief there was in her heart and replace it with peace and assurance in Him. Knowing that I had not prayed with as much faith as I could have had, that sometimes I ceased to pray on this matter altogether.

But God works in mysterious ways. I cannot presume to know them all, but now for example, I do believe He sent my cousin to Canada to study despite all the financial constraints, so that he might find Him there. To find Him and then return to Malaysia to be that shining light to his family, an encouragement to his mother in troubled times, and in turn to be such an encouragement to my family.

You might not understand this, you might scoff it, but it's impossible for me to ignore the intricate weaving of divine plans between the canvas of my life and that of my cousin's and aunt's all the way back home. My cousin'll probably never knew how timely his email was, to him it was the natural thing to send an email the next morning. But it was perfect timing, for me to receive it when I did just now, for me to be gently rebuked, for me to fall on my knees again.

I pray for God's healing hand to be upon 大姑 now, I pray for His joy, love, peace, peace that the world cannot give, to be with their family. I echo her own prayer, that she might be well enough to attend church with her son this Sunday. And if you would, please pray with me.