advent

Anyway, last Sunday was also Advent Sunday. And I have to admit that I never knew actually knew what Advent was till last Sunday. Advent observance just sounded like alot of rituals in observance of an old boring liturgical season I know next to nothing about.

But if, as I found out during Sunday's service, Advent is about looking towards the glorious second coming of Christ as much as it is a season of preparation to remember Jesus' birthday.. then how can that not be relevant? If you like, read more about Advent here.

And so November, my month (how dare I lay claim to such a month but I can't help it!), has passed by again. Tomorrow I shall open the first little door on the advent calendar I bought in that supermarket in Vienna. It's time to start carolling.

O come, O come, Emmanuel
and ransom captive Israel
who mourns in lonely exile here
until the son of God draws near.

Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to you, O Israel.

O come bright Daybreak, come and cheer
our spirits by your advent here;
dispel the long night's lingering gloom
and pierce the shadows of the tomb.

Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to you, O Israel.

____

(It is no coincidence that so many of my entries here are on Wednesdays i.e. day before all economics coursework is due week after week. :P)

birthday

I'm twenty. :)
It's 00:00 as I start typing this, so my birthday's officially come and gone. I can't say that I feel any older or wiser, but I do feel that with new realisations and resolutions made in the weeks leading up to today, this girl is now starting a new chapter of her life. (a new decade in fact! horrors...)

I'm inexpressibly grateful for all the phone calls from home, cards and immensely thoughtful gifts (all of which will keep me very warm through cold winter nights ahead :P) and the most lovingly planned surprise ever. This whole week, I've been feeling like the luckiest little girl, yes little girl, in the whole wide world. (Despite the cold, which bothers me no longer because of my happy presents!) Extremely spoilt as well, and so undeservingly loved. I would go into details but shall spare you and anyway it's all firmly printed in memory so there's no need to go on about it. Except to say again how thankful I am for my special and deeply adored friends and family. :)

Some say, what's the big deal about a birthday? But it meant alot, each and every single birthday greeting I've received. (So yes I really must start remembering other people's birthdays too!)

***

Twenty is significant, more significant than twenty one I think. My Japanese friend tells me that back home, a huge party is thrown regionally for all twenty-year-olds, kind of like prom, only it's a huge birthday celebration for everyone, and a huge reunion of sorts with all the people in your year at school. All the girls put on their best kimonos and the guys their suits for a night of celebration, leaving their teenage years behind.

So, calls for some quieter introspection?

I think what I heard in church this morning was very apt- about the danger of "ministry without room for vulnerability, spirituality without room for weakness". And it just hit home, what the rector said about how the world's success culture seeps into spirituality so that we feel like we must always put up an 'i-can-handle-everything' front to the world, when we can't. The staggering amounts of passion and agonising in the example of Paul while he "boasted" not of triumphs but of persecution and suffering, made clear to me what had already struck me during retreat. Pride keeps me wanting to put up a facade of "humble" superiority in all sorts of ways, when all I will ever be is another broken vessel slowly being pieced back together by a loving Father, needing grace, needing Christ.

"I present what I have before the messenger, the angel of the covenant, the Lord Jesus; and through him my prayers find acceptance wrapped up in his prayers; my praises become sweet as they are bound up with bundles of myrrh, and aloes, and cassia from Christ’s own garden. If I can bring him nothing but my tears, he will put them with his own tears in his own bottle for he once wept; if I can bring him nothing but my groans and sighs, he will accept these as an acceptable sacrifice, for he once was broken in heart, and sighed heavily in spirit. I myself, standing in him, am accepted in the Beloved; and all my polluted works, though in themselves only objects of divine abhorrence, are so received, that God smelleth a sweet savour. He is content and I am blessed." - Spurgeon (morning devotion 27th November)

I cannot but be amazed at God's faithfulness. He never gave up on me these twenty years, so as the lyrics of that song go, "I'll simply live, I simply live for You".

ill

I'm ill, and I haven't been ill in a long time. So much for a weekend of happy rest and relaxation.

What do I do when I'm ill? I sleep till noon, eat and read and wash clothes and blow my nose and sleep and then come online. haha. I haven't been ill in a long time, and there's sort of a secret glee in being ill and knowing you have the excuse to not do anything purposeful/work-related.

Reminds me vaguely of that Plath poem we did back in jc, on bright red tulips and her lying in a hospital bed surrounded by white walls and hating the tulips because they seemed to her to be forcing her back into healthy life and away from the peacefulness of just lying in the hospital bed being a body. Well, something like that at least, I hope I'm not misrepresenting her horrendously.

I don't hate my red duvet covet, and I do hate being sick, but at the same time in a unwilling way I appreciate the rest it forces on me. Like my mummy always says, see your body is telling you something! So I'm going back to sleep in awhile.

fight between two wolves

An elder Cherokee American was teaching his grandchildren about life.
He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me. It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

"One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, selfpity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego."

"The other wolf stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

"This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too."

They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather: "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

walking walking walking

Walking back from christmas choir practice, I decided to do the "add a little more exercise to your daily schedule" thing and walk to the further bus stop outside British Library instead of the one at Euston. And it was so cold! 1degreeC in November is way too cold for me ): But cold aside, it was a pretty pleasant walk, the cold prompts you to think. Here are some things I thought:

I need a hat (to keep my head warm without making it look like an egg.)
I need warmer socks, leggings, thermal underwear too by the look of things.
I need footwear that is more insulating than my trainers (and waterproof).
I need a fan heater (joy of having huge windows dampened by the chill).
I need a carpet or rug for my wooden floor.
I need warm (and hopefully soft and fluffy) bedroom slippers.
I need a scarf, gloves, and a wooly sweater.
Don't I already have a scarf, gloves and a sweater?

All that made me warm enough to think less-shallow thoughts like these:

The cold's making me miserable, but joy burns in my soul still - and such gratitude.

My heart is too fickle and too deceitful, as are the feelings and emotions that send me soaring and falling, and I shall VOW never to trust my heart and co fully.

Humming sad songs can sometimes make me feel incredibly high (example of emotions being crazy unreliable things, which I love as part of me but shall not trust.)

Even though I might have lost my sense of home physically, geographically,earthly, I'll remain secure in the knowledge that I'm walking walking walking towards the warmth that awaits in that eternal home where my King sits upon the throne above all thrones.

***

I love you Lord
And I lift my voice
To worship You
All my soul rejoice
Take joy my King
In what You hear
May it be a sweet sweet sound
In Your ear

***

forever i'll pursue

We sang this hymn in church last Sunday (also Remembrance Sunday). It captures a lot of what I'd like to "shout to the north and the south, the east and the west!" Beautiful hymn. To listen to the one it was adapted from, an English patriotic hymn, - here.

I vow to you, my Saviour, all earthly things above,
Entire and whole and perfect, the service of my love:
The love that asks no questions, the love that stands the test,
That lays upon his altar the dearest and the best;
The love that never falters, the love that knows the price,
The love that stands indebted before your sacrifice.

And there’s a royal country, I’ve heard of long ago,
It speaks of grace and heaven, a place that all may know;
We may not count her armies, we may not see her King;
Her emblem on a hilltop – the Cross of suffering,
And soul by soul and silently, her citizens increase,
Her ways are ways of gentleness and all her paths are peace.

O tell me of the Kingdom, that stands the test of time,
O lead me to its gateway, and speak the word sublime
That tells me I’m forgiven, my name is in the Book,
The Cross of Jesus holds me, as heavenward I look;
Baptised into a living hope, I’ll walk the path that’s new;
The prize of God in Jesus, for ever I’ll pursue

So light the fire within me, and let me fan the flame.
And fill me with the Spirit, that I may bear your Name;
In season and in hardship, to run my given race
O keep me ever-burning until I see your face.
I vow to you, my Saviour, that where your feet have trod,
I’ll serve and always follow my Master and my God.

After Sir Cecil Spring-Rice. Revised and adapted by RT Bewes

off to OCF retreat in a few hours now... :)

the girl in the cafe

I've just watched what's possibly the most moving film I've seen in a long while. Lovely, almost bittersweet comedy, but with such a strong message.

I'm still not sure how the writer Richard Curtis (Love Actually) and director David Yates (Harry Potter (I think)) managed to do it, how they managed to just blend the two, love and politics, together so naturally it didn't seem the least bit contrived or false.

And the pacing, the script, the acting, the acting! Bill Nighy and Kelly Macdonald, really amazing. So, if you haven't already, please go watch The Girl in The Cafe.

Admittedly, a huge part of why I found it charming was the Britishness of it all. The reticence (taken to a new level haha), awkward humour. A great show, really. Read more about it, and BBC's Africa Lives programmes this year here.

Though plenty controversial, loads here of what may be accused of being an oversimplification of things in the sphere of global politics and economics. But really, when it comes to this: poverty, life, death, perhaps alot needs to be simplified simplified simplified and put in the light of human reality, the sort where love and compassion for fellow human being supercedes "bigger picture" concerns.

Easily said huh? When I'm sitting in front of my laptop, in relative warmth and comfort, plain chocolate digestives to soothe nothing nearing hunger, more an irritating craving, with access to the internet and too many creature comforts of life.

"Sometimes it falls upon a generation to be great. You can be that great generation" - Nelson Mandela

london london

Ok, I know I'm really going abit overboard with this whole blogging when I've got tons of work to do thing, but was tired, frustrated and bored, and because it's too cold to go for a walk outside, I had to appease self with wandering around online, AND then when I got this result... really made me smile!! :)

You Belong in London

A little old fashioned, and a little modern. A little traditional, and a little bit punk rock. A unique woman like you needs a city that offers everything. No wonder you and London will get along so well.

What City Do You Belong In?

Ok all ready to dive back into work now!

boredom and brilliance

Why do I always find myself unable to keep myself from blogging just when I have three pieces of coursework due noon the next day?? Argh. I think if I collected sufficient data (not too hard at all) and ran a regression of blogging (B) on the explanatory variables that come to mind right now, including work-left-undone (W), time-at-home (T), thoughts-to-pen (P), interesting happenings (I), the resulting coefficients would demonstrate terribly high correlations of W and T to B, instead of stronger correlations with P and I. Sigh.

Well, actually time-at-home is not directly correlated to blogging frequency because when I am free and unburdened by the need to work, I spend time doing other things like watching TV and strumming the guitar, washing clothes/dishes and tidying up my room (which perpetually needs tidying), or reading (aha- see, profitable use of time). SO, it's only when I need to do work that I compulsively turn to blogging! Terrible terrible.

Though it could be explained simply and intuitively by the fact that after I have spent a considerable amount of time typing, I become extremely aware that I have wasted this amount of time, and then morph into super-focused mode and become alot more productive without feeling drained at the end of it from spending too much time in un-focused mode. So, because I have subconsciously processed this knowledge, everytime I have to work, my body tells me to blog blog blog so I'll be more efficient later! Ha. WHO am I kidding. :P

***

Two shows I watched recently: one a play the other a film. Well not really recently, more like many weeks back. And I loved both!

Death of a Salesman

I haven't really watched many plays, but even from our slightly restricted-viewing circle seats, it was a brilliant show. Really emotionally and mentally and physically draining though. The acting was so intense I think I kind of forgot I was watching a play in the middle of it. It's like a drama of lives unfolding in a very real very believable space before your eyes, and the humanness of it was so piercing. Human fragility, frailty showing through the self-delusions of grandeur and success and endless secrets. Will remember this performance for quite awhile to come I think.. but, they talk about it better than I do.

"He's a man way out there in the blue, riding on a smile and a shoeshine"


Pride and Prejudice

One of those books I've read and reread (mostly cos it's fun and easy reading I think) And I haven't watched the BBC production with Colin Firth, but I thought the movie was pretty good!
Maybe it was just loving a story you're so familiar with being played out, and being glad that Keira Knightley was so similar to the Elizabeth of my imagination. :)

Read in the Independent yesterday the whole controversy over in the U.S. about the prolonged Liz-Darcy kiss at the end, which I thought was quite hilarious! BUT, if I had to choose a version to watch, I think I'll stick to the British release I saw, simply because I thought the most beautiful scene was of them, standing together at last in the sunset in perfect bliss and even then, lips don't touch! Haha, it's like deliberately not letting the audience fully in on the private intimacy of their love. Which I like. :)

***
Ok that's it, back to work. And I shall take JOY in doing work too!

sunset

sunset as seen atop citadella, budapest

Let the sun set, why hold on to the passing of old? Come back home now, it's getting cold. And the sun will rise again... And His mercies are new every morning.

fruit fly invasion

Our beautiful Maiden Lane house has been invaded by tiny icky super fast fruit flies! So in case anyone's in this similar horrid predicament of having fruit flies flying in their face wherever they walk in their own home, here are some diy fruitfly traps I got off the net.

1. Put apple cider vinegar in a jar, cover in cling film, poke a few holes and hope the fruitflies fly in and drown.

2. Put a piece of banana in a jar, cover in cling flim, poke a few holes, and hope the fruitflies that fly in will stay in. (the person who wrote this claims they won't find their way back out through the holes)

3. Use hairspray (to kill rather than to trap)

4. Use sticky fly tape

5. Rub some Vicks vaporub on a lid and leave it out (more to chase them away then to trap)

There must be more, but for now, I shall make fruitfly trap number 1. heh.

i wanna go home

[mrt train speeds off into the sunset and towards my stop boon lay:
one evening after work, standing underneath the tracks at Lakeside mrt station]

reading week trip

Just got back from what was possibly the most amazing trip I've been on yet. Vienna and Budapest- beautiful places, buildings, sights; wonderful company whom I really love, Angela, Shujun, Alex, Bryan, Chin Siong- were really the best travelling companions anyone could ask for. Plus I don't think I'm just saying this out of post-trip euphoria, (there were definitely the low points like diarrhoea yucks) but I'm really truly sad that it had to end so soon. There was so much laughter and self-entertainment, plenty of interesting conversations of the 为什么 trivia variety... and "highly curious" debates about religion- which sometimes left me feeling quite drained, simply because it required so much energy and sustained concentration, so when I came back and found this on peiyong's blog, I thought I'd put it up. Pictures and stories and quotable quotes from this reading week trip shall come later, after I've actually done some reading. :)

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not shouting, "I've been saved!"
I'm whispering, "I get lost! That's why I chose this way"

When I say, "I am a Christian," I don't speak with human pride
I'm confessing that I stumble- needing God to be my guide

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not trying to be strong
I'm professing that I'm weak and pray for strength to carry on

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not bragging of success
I'm admitting that I've failed and cannot ever pay the debt

When I say, "I am a Christian," I don't think I know it all
I submit to my confusion asking humbly to be taught

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are far too visible but God believes I'm worth it

When I say, "I am a Christian," I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartache which is why I seek His name

When I say, "I am a Christian," I do not wish to judge
I have no authority--I only know I'm loved

Copyright 1988 Carol Wimmer

For some inexplicable reason though, I've arrived back to a home (which really feels like a home away from home) missing my family and Singapore quite a bit more. Wish I could be with them, or that they could be here with me now.

they can only end well.

So the most dramatic traumatic relational episode I've ever witnessed has come to a sudden and fitting end. I feel like shouting a warning to every single girl out there, in relation to what I've recently watched her go through, but don't know how to, don't know what to say! So useless. At least I know better too now. Live and learn don't we....

I've been feeling busy and started to wonder why? It's only too easy to live life for the moment, you know, by the dates, events marked out on your calendar, planner, organiser; by the next class on your timetable; by the next birthday... far harder to live each moment for eternity. It's enjoyable, being busy... though I've been longing for ages now to just wrap myself up in bed one afternoon with a storybook (I've at least five crisp new novels on my bookshelf waiting to be read).

It's probably inevitable, that every person will wake up some mornings and no matter how fulfilling, exciting, happening their lives are at that point, let out a huge sigh at the utter vanity of it all. yes? no? I don't know. Well usually then I can only gain assurance from heart knowledge that yes 'all is vanity under the sun' but there are things beyond the sun. :)

Where am I going with this rambling? I'm getting on a plane in a few hours, but any excitement is dulled by the knowledge that I really should be spending reading week READING and getting work done. But there'll be great company, and beautiful scenery (I hope), so I'm off to pack! :)

when things get so bad...

The tumultuous journeys taken by those near and dear to me in the name of that thing called love are leaving me so exhausted! There's been too much weeping, too much agnonising, too much irrationality, yet I cannot bear to just mind my own business walk away, (how to turn in contempt?) because her pain is obvious, and I see how she aches, how she's torn apart within by all the "ifs", by love and loathing in turn, because unlike what I told her, I do empathise, even if only in fragile plys of tissues.

In any case, I found myself at a police station this evening, and if I do not type that down, I shall remain incredulous. As it is it feels fairly surreal still! The stories I heard there were sad but so real. I was not in trouble, don't worry. No I was there to provide a strange useless kind of support while she made a missing persons report. A missing persons report can you believe that? I cannot. It sounds like something from the movies, from the 7 o'clock, 9 o'clock shows on channel 8, and not something from college life in London.

googlism

Googlism is so ridiculous! Anyway, here are some of the results for: shining.
Unsurprisingly, alot of references to that horror movie.. so I took most of them out.

shining is academician of the chinese academy
shining is scary
shining is directly tied to duality
shining is influential in a great many ways
shining is more than fast talking and sharp one
shining is an unforgettable
shining is truly a masterpiece
shining is about jesus
shining is also certainly not deficient in other areas either
shining is ace
shining is very deliberate and slow
shining is great
shining is a work of genius
shining is a good example of this
shining is the one
shining is also known as the shining
shining is active
shining is like a fine book

well well. :)