Tuesday, February 28, 2006

on my knees

I woke up this morning to my alarm clock and sunshine streaming in through gaps in the curtains. And I thought to myself, I'm going to smile, today's going to be a wonderful day. I thought of all the things I need to do, in what order I'll do them, how I'll be extremely productive, how I shall not waste an irretrievable second etc...

So, after I brush my teeth (including two emerging wisdom teeth which hurt like crazy but only at certain crazy moments), wash my face and come back downstairs, I lift my laptop cover and open gmail. Suddenly, all that organisation and I'm-in-control and coolness promptly flies out the window and I'm reduced to a sobbing mess in my swirly chair for the next few minutes.

And why? Daddy just forwarded me an email from my cousin, to say that my 大姑 accepted Christ last night. 大姑, whom I've always loved for her goodness and kindness, admired so much for her strength and patience in face of illness, hardship and other things, who is still struggling valiantly against cancer.

It was at this line that I started crying uncontrollably: "She asks our Father to heal her completely so that she can go to church with me on Sunday." My tears are tears of such unspeakable joy, to know that someone I love, that my family loves, that God loves above all, has decided to accept His love.

They are tears of realisation that my world has once again shrunken back into that small walnut shell filled with me and little else. They are also of immense disappointment: realising that I did not believe firmly enough that it was possible for God to take away fear of my grandmother and whatever other fears and disbelief there was in her heart and replace it with peace and assurance in Him. Knowing that I had not prayed with as much faith as I could have had, that sometimes I ceased to pray on this matter altogether.

But God works in mysterious ways. I cannot presume to know them all, but now for example, I do believe He sent my cousin to Canada to study despite all the financial constraints, so that he might find Him there. To find Him and then return to Malaysia to be that shining light to his family, an encouragement to his mother in troubled times, and in turn to be such an encouragement to my family.

You might not understand this, you might scoff it, but it's impossible for me to ignore the intricate weaving of divine plans between the canvas of my life and that of my cousin's and aunt's all the way back home. My cousin'll probably never knew how timely his email was, to him it was the natural thing to send an email the next morning. But it was perfect timing, for me to receive it when I did just now, for me to be gently rebuked, for me to fall on my knees again.

I pray for God's healing hand to be upon 大姑 now, I pray for His joy, love, peace, peace that the world cannot give, to be with their family. I echo her own prayer, that she might be well enough to attend church with her son this Sunday. And if you would, please pray with me.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

!!

Anyway, having just watched the very exhilarating ladies figure skating championships, I soooo wish I were young enough (like 5) to be an aspiring figure skater!! They were just amazing. I actually shed REAL tears when 荒川静香 shizuka arawaka WON! Half-wished I were Japanese so I could jump up and down and cheer and scream and cry properly but oh well. I really really admire her grace and elegance, such a beautifully exquisitely perfect performance. Everytime she did some triple this or double that I had to wince because I was literally too scared to watch her fall. Of course she didn't! Sasha Cohen did fall, which was such a pity because I really did love her short programme, though even on Tuesday I already liked Arawaka for being so serene and demure. Do you know, even when she realised she'd won, she was just a picture of joyful composure, just smiling and smiling so sweetly, while all the people around her were shaking her, her hand, the chair, tears etc. Haha. I should stop ranting right. And I actually felt pain for Irina Slutskaya because she does deserve to win it, it's her last chance! Not being on form when it matters must be disappointing and horrible to the max. Ok, just getting the euphoria (over what I don't really know) out of my system. :)

You scored as Journalism. You are an aspiring journalist, and you should major in journalism! Like me, you are passionate about writing and expressing yourself, and you want the world to understand your beliefs through writing.

English


100%

Journalism


100%

Dance


92%

Biology


83%

Linguistics


83%

Theater


75%

Art


75%

Sociology


67%

Philosophy


58%

Psychology


58%

Mathematics


50%

Engineering


50%

Anthropology


42%

Chemistry


25%

What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3)
created with QuizFarm.com


why do I see english at the top? admittedly biased by my emphatic "disagree" with everything to do with analytical/rational/social-science like things in the questions. so. one foot in the right door?

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Today was a good day. And I have so many good songs on my laptop that I've forgotten all about. But this is a new good song.

Friend and King

My eyes are ever on You Lord
You guide me with Your hand
This road I take is led by You
I will walk Your ways

In my days of trouble Lord
I can depend on You
I'm hidden in Your presence now
Established in Your grace

I am Yours
Forever I will sing
Faithful is my Friend and King

Karlee Abbott and Claire O'Neil/Riverview Media

"dreamsweetnightgoodybovreeair"

Monday, February 20, 2006

initiative

This will be LONG. Chunks from the past four days in my daily devotional (Oswald Chambers) which I should have read on those dates at the top of those pages but didn't till today:

---

The Initiative against Depression

"Arise and eat" - 1 Kings 19:5

The angel did not give Elijah a vision, or explain the Scriptures to him, or do anything remarkable; he told Elijah to do the most ordinary thing, to get up and eat.

If we were never depressed we should not be alive; it is the nature of a crystal to be depressed. A human being is capable of depression, otherwise there would be no capacity for exaltation. There are things that are calculated to depress, things that are of the nature of death; and in taking an estimate of yourself, always take into account the capacity for depression.

When the Spirit of God comes He does not give us visions, He tells us to do the most ordinary things conceivable. Depression is apt to turn us away from the ordinary commonplace things of God's creation, but whenever God comes, the inspiration is to do the most natural simple things - the things we would never have imagined God was in, and as we do them we find He is there.

The inspiration that comes to us in this way is an initiative against depression; we have to do the next thing and do it in the inspiration of God. If we do a thing in order to overcome depression, we deepen the depression; but if the Spirit of God makes us feel intuitively that we must do the thing, and we do it, the depression is gone. Immediately we arise and obey, we enter on a higher plane of life.

The Initiative against Despair

"Rise, let us be going" - Matthew 26:46

The disciples went to sleep when they should have kept awake, and when they realised what they had done it produced despair. The sense of the irreparable is apt to make us despair, and we say - "It is all up now, it is no use trying any more." If we imagine that this kind of despair is exceptional, we are mistaken, it is a very ordinary human experience. Whenever we realise that we have not done that which we had a magnificent opportunity of doing, then we are apt to sink into despair; and Jesus Christ comes and says - "Sleep on now, that opportunity is lost forever, you cannot alter it but arise and go on to the next thing." Let the past sleep, but let it sleep on the bosom of Christ, and go out into the irresistible future with Him.

There are experiences like this in each one of our lives. We are in despair, the despair that comes from actualities, and we cannot lift ourselves out of it. The disciples in this instance had done a downright unforgivable thing; they had gone to sleep instead of watching with Jesus, but He came with a spiritual initiative against their despair and said "Arise and do the next thing." If we are inspired of God, what is the next thing? To trust Him absolutely and to pray on the ground of His Redemption.

Never let the sense of failure corrupt your new action.

The Initiative against Drudgery

"Arise, shine." - Isaiah 60:1

We have to take the first step as though there were no God. It is no use to wait for God to help us, He will not; but immediately we arise we find He is there. Whenever God inspires, the initiative is a moral one. We must do the thing and not lie like a log. If we will arise and shine, drudgery becomes divinely transfigured.

Drudgery is one of the finest touchstones of character there is. Drudgery is work that is very far removed from anything to do with the ideal - the utterly mean grubby things; and when we come in contact with them we know instantly whether or not we are spiritually real. Read John 13. We see there the Incarnate God doing the most desperate piece of drudgery, washing fishermen's feet, and He says - "If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet, ye also ought to wash one another's feet."

It requires the inspiration of God to go through the drudgery with the light of God upon it. Some people do a certain thing and the way in which they do it hallows that thing forever afterwards. It may be the most commonplace thing, but after we have seen them do it, it becomes different. When the Lord does a thing through us, He always transfigures it. Our Lord took on Him our human flesh and transfigured it, and it has become for every saint the temple of the Holy Ghost.

The Initiative against Dreaming

"Arise, let us go hence." - John 14:31

Dreaming about a thing in order to do it properly is right; but dreaming about it when we should be doing it is wrong. After Our Lord had said those wonderful things to His disciples, we might have expected that He would tell them to go away and meditate over them all; but Our Lord never allowed "mooning". When we are getting into contact with God in order to find out what He wants, dreaming is right; but when we are inclined to spend our time in dreaming over what we have been told to do, it is a bad thing and God's blessing is never on it. God's initiative is always in the nature of a stab against this kind of dreaming, the stab that bids us "neither sit nor stand but go".

If we are quietly waiting before God and He has said- "Come ye yourselves apart," then that is meditation before God in order to get at the line He wants; but always beware of giving over to mere dreaming once God has spoken. Leave Him to be the source of all your dreams and joys and delights, and go out and obey what He has said. If you are in love, you do not sit down and dream about the one you love all the time, you go and do something for him; and that is what Jesus Christ expects us to do. Dreaming after God has spoken is an indication that we do not trust Him.

---

Think that's it, some of what's been weighing me down articulated in those words, there's probably a lot more, but hey enough to stare in the mirror at for the moment: depression, despair, drudgery, dreaming... Yes way too much dreaming, and too little doing...

Sunday, February 19, 2006

exam

The most crucial exam of all, and one I neglect most, is the examination of self. "Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves." 2 Corinthians 13:5

A moden heresy, a common half-truth, said Rico Tice this morning, is: "Lord my life's so empty, fill me." as opposed to the real gospel, the full truth of "Lord I'm full of sin, my life's an offence to you, rescue me." The first being a wanting-more-and-more and the second being a get-down-on-knees-and-plead cry of brokeness and humility. And sometimes it's indeed too easy to lose sight of that, the fact that we're rebels more often than victims in this fallen world, and that we actually NEED forgiveness, NEED salvation.

--

Randomness:
1. Heinz's beef broth in a can is good with toast.
2. I clicked on Minesweeper just now. Minesweeper, that silent lonely game that I played to while away many nights last winter. So lousy at it now, can't get anywhere near those high scores I registered long ago.
3. It is so cold in my room. Radiator and fan heater are on and I've just pulled on my sweater.
4. What I'm not meant to know, I'm better off not knowing, really. Why do I never learn my lesson?
5. Nothing moves me the way a sanctuary echoing with magnificent orchestral music and the beautiful voices of people in all colours, shapes and sizes, just worshipping, can.

--

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong, a perfect plea:
a great High Priest, whose name is Love,
who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is written on His hands,
my name is hidden in His heart;
I know that while in heaven He stands
no power can force me to depart,
no power can force me to depart.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

wonderful

It strikes me that I should be panicking and hyperventilating right about now:

B34: Seminar II prep; Essay on bank management; 5 chapters of reading, 6 sets of photocopied *things*.
B203: Coursework 4; Practical 2; 7 chapters of reading
B202: Coursework 3; Demo Lecture Prep; Group Essay and presentation (6th March)
B201: Coursework 4
(endless reading to catch up on for the last two)

PLUS, I still have piles from last term to clear!!

But I just MUST put down in words, no matter how inadequate, how immensely blessed I am, and how incredibly blind I usually am to it all. I love God, I love Jesus, and not because of how much He loves me (ALOT), but simply because He is who He is. I'm ever so grateful for His faithfulness, I'm ever so grateful for OCF, and beautiful hearts of these people there whom I've really come to love, ever so grateful for their constancy, support and love. Ever so grateful for timely emails from my parents and sisters, helping to fill the gaps in my life here in London. Ever so grateful for friendship. Ever so grateful for All Souls and inspiring worship amazing teaching, thankful for this chance to be with the children at the Chinese School, and for all the gladness they inspire.

[Anyway today we had a little bible quiz for the kids on the stories they've been learning, so Zara asked something like, "Where did God promise the Israelites they were going to after Moses led them out of Egypt?" And Jason (who's been waving his hand excitedly in the air anyway) blurts out, "From Egypt to London!"]

Learning: I want to learn Cantonese. And Teochew (so I can talk to ah-ma). And to write Chinese in 繁体. And to play the piano properly. And to sing!

But first I'd better go learn my Economics. Big Sigh.

--

And I stand here before You in wide opened wonder
Amazed at the Glory of You
The power of heaven, revealing Your purpose in me
As I'm reaching for You
***
And everyday, I'll walk Your way. I'll live my life for You to see- You're wonderful to me.
You are so wonderful, You're my delight, my sweet devotion
***
In the midst of the storm through the wind and the waves,
You'll still be faithful.. You'll still be faithful
When the stars refuse to shine and time is no more,
You'll still be faithful.. You'll still be faithful O Lord.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

busy busy, hail and sunshine

For all those who think that Londoners are just whiny and grumpy with all their complaints about the erratic weather (ie me before I lived here): It was breezy and sunny one moment and then started hailing all of a sudden! yes loud noisy hail=huge pieces of ice falling out of the sky for all of I think half a minute, and there's now glorious sunshine overheating my room now. I think London's weather's crazier than my moods.

I've been busy busy busy and can't find enough time as usual. Sigh. It's mostly been very good, like birthday dinners and hwachong night and warm Tuesday cells, but quite quite tiring. Under the "not very good" category then, lies everything to do with B201/202/203/34/25.

The cd I ordered finally came in the post, snugly tucked into a bubble wrap envelope! I tell you, popping bubble wrap bubbles must rank as one of the most inane but effective stress-relief activities ever. Which is what I'm going back to doing now. haha.

And in the spirit of Valentine's Day (long past I know, but ocf is celebrating tomorrow, so.), read about this man's sacrificial love.

And a quote:
When falling in love, we seem to float on air. The whole world seems wonderful, and we take in stride people who normally irritate us and things that normally frustrate us. … A particular person's idiosyncrasies, which normally rub us the wrong way, no longer affect us adversely. For a while, we simply seem to be able to love anyone — to love our neighbor — without any effort at all. These momentary occasions can … give us a glimpse of what it would be like to love our neighbor all the time.
- Diogenes Allen
And back to work. :)

am I willing to be broken bread and poured-out wine?
song birds are taught to sing in the dark...

Friday, February 03, 2006

s l o w to s p e a k

Argh. Absolutely cannot stand the way I blurt things out too quick and then have to spend the next few hours-days-weeks brooding over how it might have been interpreted, what the other person thinks, etcetcetc.

".... be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." (James1:19)

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

i don't know about tomorrow

This girl, is a walking bundle of contradictions right now. Wants to be a good student- can't really be bothered; worrying- knowing it's needless/useless; good things and blessings overflowing- lacking in joy; rootedrootedrooted- feelingshaky.

Don't know what the problem is, am frustrated at not knowing, helpless at the knowledge that that's all I can do, disgusted that I can't even do the only thing I can do properly. And irritated/amused that the last sentence applies to about three or four wildly madly different situations all at once! sigh. whywhywhy?

I don't know about tomorrow; I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from its sunshine, For its skies may turn to grey.
I don't worry o'er the future, For I know what Jesus said.
And today I'll walk beside Him, For He knows what is ahead.

Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.

Every step is getting brighter, As the golden stairs I climb;
Every burden's getting lighter, Every cloud is silver-lined.
There the sun is always shining, There no tear will dim the eye;
At the ending of the rainbow, Where the mountains touch the sky.

I don't know about tomorrow; It may bring me poverty.
But the one who feeds the sparrow, Is the one who stands by me.
And the path that is my portion, May be through the flame or flood;
But His presence goes before me, And I'm covered with His blood.